How delicate conversations succeed

In delicate conversations, you sometimes lack perspective and find yourself in the dark, especially when the opposition is strong. And by opposition, we don’t just mean the resistance of the other person, but also the inherent opposition within yourself. Once the pressure is on, you suddenly realize that you are not prepared and don’t know exactly what you want. But that can be changed.

Good preparation is essential

“While you would certainly prepare well for an important presentation, you tend not to do this for sensitive conversations – even though it would be just as important,” says Sommerer. As with almost everything in life, practice helps. If you practise, you can become more confident in tricky conversations. One of the most important points here is to be clear about what you want before the conversation.

As delicate conversations don’t happen every day, there is often a lack of practice. When practicing, however, you can reflect on yourself. For example, you can record yourself on video: What is your posture like? How are your gestures? Your voice? etc. “If you don’t say what you radiate, it will be difficult,” says Sommerer. By recording and listening to yourself, you can recognize such contradictions: Does my voice match the words? Or do I come across as more aggressive, quieter, more hesitant etc. than I would like?

Practicing is therefore primarily about looking within yourself and entering the conversation with the right attitude. Such conversations usually have negative connotations, so it is all the more important to find the right inner attitude and put the negativity aside for a moment.

It is also crucial to be clear about what you want and what you don’t want. Sommerer gives an example from her life: “One of my employees had started to poach customers from me. As I was preparing for the conversation, I realized what I wanted and what it was all about: loyalty. I want this person to be loyal to me and my company. What I didn’t want was the termination of the employment relationship.”

lot of things only become clear to you when you say them out loud. This makes it easier to recognize your feelings – which is why practicing and preparing is so important. Where do I stand? What is important to me? Where am I with my emotions and my behavior?

In addition to looking at yourself, it is also important to consider the other person. ” Check what mode the other person is in,” says Sommerer. Many people interpret the statement “I want to talk to you” as an attack.

Before the conversation, you can prepare yourself for the mode the other person might be in. Every person reacts differently. The most common reactions are Withdrawal – the person falls silent, Labeling – “that’s typically you”, Attack – belittling the other person, Control – interrupting the other person, Masking – downplaying and sarcastic comments, Avoidance – not voicing the problem and changing the subject. If you imagine in your head how the person might react, you are better prepared.

It is also beneficial if the other person feels safe. If security is lost, the person starts to think about everything and is no longer in the here and now, which is counterproductive. To restore balance, you can apologize, contrast (say what you don’t want, e.g. jeopardize the relationship) and emphasize your common intentions (e.g. we both want to find a solution).

“That sounds like a lot of work,” says Sommerer. But it’s not about spending hours at home creating mind maps; you can also think about these things in your everyday life while you’re cleaning, going for a walk or otherwise have some free time.

Bringing the prepared into conversation

With good preparation, you are more in the here and now and have a much better start to a sensitive conversation. But of course, what you have planned must also be put into practice. “Listen to the other person and don’t start thinking about the next thing you want to say,” says Sommerer.

You can start delicate conversations with small talk, but you don’t have to. However, it is certainly helpful to begin by explaining the situation. For example: “Four customers have told me that you want to poach them”. Then you can interpret the facts and say how you felt about it. The last step is to tell the other person what you would like to happen now.

The other person follows with their version. You can encourage them to do this and take away their fear. Active listening is important here. This means asking questions, mirroring the person (imitating their posture to put yourself in their shoes), paraphrasing and, if necessary, trying out first approaches to a solution.

It’s always helpful to agree with the person wherever possible “I’m glad we agree here” and also to build them up or make comparisons “You say you didn’t think it was that bad, but person X told me it hurt them a lot”. You shouldn’t be afraid of these turns of phrase. “It’s worth it if you don’t stop arguing too quickly. What could be better than talking for hours and not finding a solution?” says Sommerer with a wink.

In the end, however, it is time to take action. Here, too, there are various options: You can suggest a solution (consultation), you can – at least as a manager – order something (command) or you can discuss until you reach agreement (consensus).

If you invest a little thought in upcoming delicate conversations, you have a better chance of appearing authentic, clear and convincing. It helps to ask yourself a few questions in advance, such as: What attitude am I going in with? What do I want? How do I feel? “What’s inside is also outside – it’s not the words that count, but the voice, the posture and the whole body language,” Sommerer sums up the quintessence.

Sibylle Sommerer Lacturar in the CAS Leadership & Inclusion